‘Final solution’ to climate change agreed

World leaders posed for a joint photograph in Copenhagen today, and hailed their new climate change deal agreement as a great day for polar bears everywhere, and for about five billion people worldwide.

Agreement came after years of deadlock about carbon trading, green taxes, and how on Earth to get the Yanks to sign up. Then the German Foreign Minister Herman Schroder read a report about how going vegetarian could save the world.    

Schroder told Westminster Village “Campaigners said that if we wiped out all the cows and pigs we would reduce emissions from farming and save the planet. Trouble is there aren’t many votes in telling people they can’t have tasty sausages or lovely cheeseburgers covered in relish and bacon.

“Fortunately I’m having a bit on the side with a saucy little intern who is also a history student. And she said ‘you know what the public would let you kill instead of cows and pigs? The Jews.’”

When the draft Communiqué was first put to EU leaders it quickly became apparent that there were just not enough Jews in the world to make the plan successful. This had to be a cull of around twenty percent at least. Then the British suggested including the long term unemployed, the disabled, and the French.

After months of negotiations an EU position was agreed. The Jews, unemployed and disabled remained part of the proposal, but the French were dropped for the Swiss, and blacks were added in to keep the Irish from voting no in yet another referendum.

The new deal was presented at Copenhagen and most of the Middle East immediately announced weeks of festivals to celebrate. China agreed this was a sensible way to tackle climate change, though Taiwan should probably be added. India meanwhile promised it would sign anything that saved that many cows. 

“It was all going really well” said Russia’s Prime Minister Putin. I even joked with the Americans that when we added Georgia we should be sure we meant the country, not the US state. But Barack Obama just kept glaring at us all.”

Angela Merkel of Germany agreed. “We just couldn’t figure it out. He’s progressive. He cares about climate change. But he was silent and kept looking at us with a raised eyebrow, and then looking down at the proposal in front of him, and then back at us. We thought perhaps the US car industry had got to him.”

Ban Ki-Moon eventually solved the problem. “It suddenly occurred to me, he’s fkng black ain’t he! I mean there he is, a black man in charge of a country. And not just a made up African country. A real one like America. Obviously that threw spanner in the works I can tell you.”

Canada were credited with saving the deal when it suggested Blacks be replaced with tall and short people, criminals, and a few other small groups no one would miss. And so the world saving treaty was signed. Except by Israel. Who seemed to be on their holidays.

The agreed list





People who own colourful bowties

The disabled


The Swiss

Anyone over 200cm tall

Left handed people

Anyone under 150cm tall


Ant and Dec


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